Expectations.

It is undeniably sad when people say that i am sad because i am not grateful of the things in my life when in fact, i have been so grateful each and every day.
And that the sad reality is that they are the ones who have not been grateful.
Nobody wants to be sad, nobody chooses to be depressed.

People expect me to be strong, to be able to take care of them, to cater to their every need, to ask them "are you ok?" and hold their hand through everything, etc. I am glad and happy to do all of that for them.

But i also understand that i cannot expect or wish for them to do the same because as much as you can say with words that you care for me, you were not there when i needed you.
I try not to feel disappointed, i try to understand instead.

And it's the process of understanding, it is what makes me depressed and sad.
At the end of the day, i am still going to be there to care for each and every one of you. Because it is what i can do and it is what you expect me to.

Home.

Minus the lack of updates because i'm swarmed with work and endless papers,

home is where the people that you love are ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

4 months

In the midst of having so much to do in so little time, here i am. Procrastinating.

4 months have passed and flowers have bloomed at the side of the roads, in many different spring colors that put yourself in a smile. No longer the days of treading through think heavy northern snow nor bundling up in 4 layers or more just for the sake of retrieving mail outside.

A cup of 1$ coffee while waiting for the bus home reminds me of how much i miss having teh tarik in the early morning (while having breakfast together with the bf or even before starting work at the office). Simple pleasures that i never really put much thought into but has a warm feeling in your heart just from thinking about. It's the fact that it has such a positive vibe tied to something that can mean anything to anyone. Teh tarik, that is, in my case. How you wish you could share these new small things you've found with the same people.

As years pass by, i have become more honest with myself and towards others which i constantly wonder if it's ever a bad thing or maybe it's a good one.

Color-coordinated dates and mingling with bunnies. Remember?

Stop

It's been almost two months since I left my so-called comfort zone back where it's summer all year long and I often question myself of possibilities. We're never stuck to one pathway throughout our lives let alone the millions of choices we have even though similar but differentiating slightly more or less.

It wasn't easy, i'll have to admit but looking on the other side of the coin most definitely taught me more than I had expected. Things are often seen as horrible and far from being controllable but circumstances often has its way of turning around to make you slap yourself for being so naive to the other side of the coin. We often forget to flip through, regardless of coins, pages or anything else that we bump into and we accept things as they are only because we are too conditioned to do so.

Stop, drop and roll.

Learning about subtle things a person does makes me curious and smile on how intricate a person can be. Someone that you look up to since young still continues to fascinate you even after his passing and i admit that although i wish that you were still here with me, little things that reminds me of you is something that i should be and have been grateful of.
Time passes by as the light blue sky turns to dark blue, never pitch black like the horrible dreams you are often stuck in. The most beautiful things comes in smaller packages, built up as the journey goes.

Nothing ever stops. Especially time.

Grip.

Finding the prettiest things in what seems so tiny, watching the snow fall onto the palm of my hands made me smile. Snow is like thousands of tiny little flowers, falling onto you, each so pretty in its own way and I could not contain my excitement looking at each of them. Winter is a harsh season, but at the same time, it is beautiful in its own way.

It has been 2 weeks since I left. I don't deny it at all that i miss so many things back at home, especially the warm assuring hugs from the boyfriend whenever things are upsetting. Although we have Skype to lessen the distance, it's still not the same and nothing beats being able to stare at each other's eyes while holding hands. Distance often teaches us about many things at once and being grateful is one of them.

Classes have just started and here I am, over thinking about everything trivial that probably doesn't mean much to anyone. "Get a grip, Ida," I told myself often more than twice in a day. Looking at myself from a third point of view of a tiny Asian kid walking among huge halls and smarter-looking individuals is not an assuring thought but at the same time, I have the intense urge to laugh at myself for being so worried. I suppose age doesn't come together with maturity; in which I have a long way more to go to even call myself mature. But the process is an interesting one, I tell myself.

A positive voice in me tells me to go for it. A voice that is often so familiar and warm, a voice of confidence that is often behind closed bars. Reaching out a helping hand to the smaller person in me.

"you don't have to feel like you're being judge. I think most people feel the same way as you do just that you don't realize it," she said. It was completely true.

Do your best, the voice tells me.

In another unrelated topic,
I miss you.

Return.

The year hasn't been so kind but it hasn't been that mean as well. I would prefer to see it all as a continuous process, down and lows.

Anywho,

It has been quite a long time and i do have to admit that my writing has gotten even worse than before although i truly miss self-expression in the form of words. Circumstances and personal time has gotten to me, that i am often seen as a sushi roll on the bed what with the really cold rainy weather we are currently experiencing. Exaggerating, of course but being a sushi roll with your own blankets is a very comfortable thing to do.

2014 was a year of doing so many different things. The cheesy way of putting it is to dub it as "the continuous year of soul searching" and the more mature way of putting it might be "a year of progress". I met new people, reconnected with old ones, maintained with the ones that i have and exchanged bittersweet smiles as well as tears. One of the most memorable that I've done this year is quite possibly taking a few days work leave to backpack all the way to Singapore for the sake of seeing one of my favorite bands performing live which left me absolutely ecstatic the whole night. It was unforgettable, minus the drunk kids.

Odd encounters, particularly of people, here and there are inevitable for some odd reasons but nothing a cup of tea can't remedy(or the occasional coffee in some cases). Spending time with a friend going to different cafes and burger joints even with nothing major to exchange in spoken words is a priceless moment let alone those moments we've laughed and ugly cried together. "Who would have thought we could have been this close", I thought to myself, feeling grateful.

Gossips and personal politics are often the silliest, fed upon with a pinch of salt. You should never take things at face value, something i learned that i have always noticed. Time goes by fast, you wish you could grab the hands of the clock and turn it back, but moments are experiences that you adapt to; positive and negative. In the cold night, you wonder at yourself if you were the same person before, and you wonder if you have changed.

But i'm still me.

and that's good.

Struggle.

I am absolutely aware that i've not written anything in here for ages. Well, at least since July if i'm not mistaken. But i have to admit that i've missed writing in more ways than one and that not writing or typing anything out has been draining me let alone the lack of drawings. You could as well say that i've been busy trying to keep up with income and at the same time, dealing with future undertakings.

In that sense, i've been in a hole for awhile too. In a way.

In another reality, i have been picking up things that others have left behind.

The sky sometimes shines a beautiful blue, the kind of blue that makes you feel all kinds of wonderful and sometimes it shines a dull gloomy blue, the kind that feels like it's about to rain over everything you've built. Often, it's just a dark blue sky, like the quiet lonely nights you have to yourself.

Though there are times, it's just unidentifiable. Similar to your own feelings, stuck in a selfish denial that you would never want to admit to yourself let alone others.

As i stare at the word document opened up on my monitor, I can't help but to remind of the future and asking myself why am i constantly worrying over it. Scared of the smallest things and terrified of the bigger ones. It's irrational but acceptable mere human fears. Still, to be reminded of it is a nightmare repeating over and over to trample you back to another dark blue sky. Silver linings on clouds so thin, you can barely make it out.

Who do you wish to be and what do you wish to achieve? Will it guarantee you long-term happiness or is it just going to make you regret that you didn't take the leap? For happiness is an ambiguous term that differs from one person to another, a rewarding act of kindness may be a disastrous act of idiocy.

At the end of the day, you would want to tell yourself in the most assuring way, in a soft relieved whisper, "I am happy".

I struggle. I struggle to put everything into a 2 page essay of double spaced sentences. A ticket worth one shot that i've been struggling to put into words when others would've thought of it as a piece of cake. It's funny, really, to stare and reconsider your past actions/achievements only to be critically evaluated by your own self; the only entity that knows everything in your own life. I struggle thinking that i've not done enough, that maybe i should follow the social norm and be one as the other whole. Subjecting myself to crush my own dreams or maybe dispose of all things i've ever held on to.

What do you hold on to? What is your purpose?

Encouraging words presented to others were the ones that i yearned most, feeling smaller than the bigger facade that i built to help others. The facade that i strongly kept to keep those dear to me going while forgetting the main actor that is within. 

I struggle.

I'm a little slow at the moment.

But i'll make it through.

I wonder if at the end of the day, i'll be able to tell myself what i wanted to hear most.

I hope i'll be able to.

Trust.

After going through an irregular sequence of living consequences as well as searching/pondering through everything over and over, I suppose i have learned quite a lot. Positives and Negatives.

Trust is something entirely precious that you can bestow upon someone that you truly care for with them caring for you in return. Though sometimes, caring is lesser than love and that love is a much more deeper feeling deep inside that coincides with care. But care can sometimes never coincide with love.
I understood as well that without trust, love and care are simply feelings that you convey without any sort of basis to it. With love comes care and with love and care comes trust. It is something that i am still struggling with but at the same time, it is something that i am learning to appreciate more than just in wording or spoken word.

To trust is difficult but also easily done blindly.
To trust is to carry it with you with sincerity in your heart.
And although there are many obstacles in life that comes in between,
I learned to trust the most important person in my life. A person so strong inside and out, who would smile when things get rough and hold my hand through everything. To speak of soulmates would be accurate but i'll keep the details to myself of this perfect person i am blessed with.

I really do love you, A.

Thinking of continuing living on my own.

Matter.

If it matters, it will hurt.

Still, at the same time, it you mattered, it shouldn't hurt as much.

But at this point, you have no idea if you matter or not.

Because you still ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And laugh to yourself.

If you ever mattered or not.

Coincidence.

Coincidences are something that i'd rather see as hidden blessings. Big or small, you should always be thankful for every single thing that comes your way.

In this case, today was another coincidence that made me smile to myself thinking that i was alone in this place. As usual, i get proved wrong in the most subtle way with these coincidences. Although it was only momentary happiness; brief and warms up your heart in a way, it makes you sort of think to yourself the people in your life that actually cares enough for you to always keep them in your heart.

Put them in a safe place; a pocket filled with hopes and positive feelings.

I am grateful to actually have a chance to be proven wrong this way during times when i am at my lowest.

Sometimes you feel that solitude is your only friend and to confront as well as to embody that feeling is best rather than to deny. And sometimes, you get sick and tired of denying because no matter how much you assure yourself, you're setting yourself up to be oblivious to those painful things around you.

However, without pain, how can one identify with joy?

As i held my dearest company in my hands, a book by John Green, the only thing i could do at that moment was to enjoy what i feared most. It's painful in a way, but to think of knowledge and words as company makes it less of a pain as if you are enjoying someone who tells you stories in a silent way.

I'd like to see it as a positive thing no matter how much it hurts deep inside to feel like a sore thumb among people that you care about. In the end, the one who's running after your own happiness is yourself, not bounded to people or things.

Selfish or selfless, i wish i was stronger.

When you set your feelings bounded upon people or things, it hurts even more.

Still, without pain, how can you feel joy in the first place?

In regards to coincidence, it is indeed a blessing.

Alhamdulillah.

Thank you for the teh ais, btw.

Selfish.

In a particular change of mood, i actually have no desire to say anything or type anything out for any matter.

Although for some reason, i would like to state that i have just finished reading John Green's "The Fault In Our Stars" and for that matter, i am heartbroken; further. With fingers on the keyboard, i am a mixture of a mess with my own feelings and feelings acquired from such a book with memorable quotes as well as characters that i've grown attached to.

Still, i have been mellow these past few days. Somewhat melancholic but almost belonging to those of the undead simply vessels to move from places to places. Discontent from many things around but also a personal satisfaction to prove that i am happy with the things that i have; i still refuse to smile. I guess it's true to say that i have grown bitter through experiences in comparison to the sweeter side of me that i used to embody previously when life was dealt with a fickle mind and heartbreaks are not so often nor painful.

In a particular note, i am reminded of those days when i rested my head on the hospital beds watching the tubes run through. The smell of antibiotics flooded my system while i strived to properly breathe although the antibiotics were calming in a solitary kind of way if that was ever a good choice of words to describe anything. Light-headed, my stomach turns inside out.

But i'll say that i learnt a lot for the past few days. I may have become more stuck in my thoughts more often than not and most probably lesser with words or feelings for i've been feeling numb with everything around. The heart is a fragile part of the human body that needs to be cared for. Though i could as well be sabotaging my own happiness thinking that i deserve none of it at all. I beg to differ for you seem nice but your actions are proving otherwise, dearest person.

What is life without pain and what is pain without suffering?

For some reason i would like to say that i extremely dislike myself for everything compacted into this person called myself and the immature ways that i emulate but at the same time, i sort of do like the smaller person inside. Love-hate relationships are always something to ponder about especially with yourself and those you care about.

Vaguely i speak and write about feelings and experiences here and there without making much sense but what sense would it make to you even if you tried to decipher unless you really cared? And we inflict scars more than happiness sometimes onto the people we care about because we're selfish.

I am selfish.

And right now, if only you knew.

Clean.

"How are you?" is a good question to begin after an awkward moment of silence.

I have been good, is something you should reply with. Which can be taken in a positive or a negative light depending whether or not you see it as a phrase to be taken at face value. But in this case, i would like to believe that i have been good.

A few things left me feeling quite angry with myself and also other people. In this case, anger is never a good thing in a majority of situations. Although regret may as well be a feeling that stirs up in your heart from time to time, you should never dwell on it. So i took it into account to better myself.

Cleaning up old things from your room leaves you in a state of nostalgia. I cleaned up my clothes which have been building up since high school up until now. How horrible my taste in clothes were back then and i suppose it is still as horrible until now as i took each piece one by one for self-evaluation before putting it into the bin for charity. They were decent, to be honest, but they would have most probably looked prettier on someone else other than myself.

Still, you stop for awhile to notice the changes you've gone through and remembering the peer pressure of just wanting to be socially accepted in dressing terms. It's just hilarious.

I've done mistakes over stupid things and over my own consequences. Most probably from not being honest to myself or unable to sticking true to myself. A feeling of wanting to please rather than to accept and work things out to become... a better person for myself and the people i care for. As cliche' as it sounds, but you get the whole deal, right?

So i took some things into account and i hope that everything will go in my favour in a positive light.

After all, i am a pessimistic optimist.

I should know better.

So i should make things better.

Personal.

After quite some time of not blogging and more of putting words into sentences in my brain,
I believe i have turned bitter. Much more bitter. Over things big and small.

However,
I have come upon a certain degree of apathy as well as respect for a selective of things around me. For all i care. If there was a small hint of care, in which i suppose there is. Still, i would like to say that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out the way it should be.
I would like to be sweeter on the terms of being bittersweet.



Oh, oh, oh, you cry.

Wreck.

A week left until the big day comes. A week left to prepare everything.
In which i would like to say is not exactly doomsday but still something big altogether for myself and the rest who are relevant to this. You get the drift.

Anywho,
Particularly feeling extremely sleepy thanks to the weather and a night of watching my dearest play his heart out of minecraft yesterday (because it has become a new addiction lately what with our own respective tower of despair and tower of eden complete with self-made receptionists). Which i didn't mind, I talked more than i should again and i listened more than i should. I suppose it's a good thing minus the sleepy feeling and migraines i had throughout the week. Horrible but bearable.

Pain is just a way of telling you that you're alive. And also a signal for you to do something about it.

But instead, i talked and talked and talked. Feelings are a mixture again but i can't say that i was depressed again. Far from that. I was restless. But deep inside, although slowly, i'm regaining control again despite what is stored at the back of my mind. Honesty is truly a virtue and honesty is what matters. To myself and others, regardless of how much it hurts. Talking about various topics; personal or not. To know more about you is almost as important as knowing more about myself.
Thinking about freedom often causes a sort of fear to instill in my stomach. Butterflies. Butterflies and tigers. Of so many possibilities yet a step has not yet been taken although there are many doors open. "Kick ass before you get ass kicked," is a self-provoking sentence i told myself when i had to put up that stronger facade. I could care less but i could care more.

List it all out, dear. You know what is right and what is wrong. What matters and what doesn't.

"Those things i'm heartbroken about. They've passed. They've happened. Now it's just time to move on," I said. Repeated in my mind. Words that haunt but words that makes you stronger. Without experience, without any of you i wouldn't be this person typing out jumbled feelings for you to read regardless of intent. The term socially awkward and nervous wreck is often used to describe myself to the point that it has become a somewhat of an entity on its own. Then again, i could've been wrong this whole time. The fact that i've been this nervous wreck was a trait of my own.

If i paired it with strength, positivity, kindness and determination,
I could be
Someone you'd never forget.
In a good way, of course.



Oh hey, i see a smile.

Postcard.

For the past few days i have been occupying myself with part-time unintentional overthinking procedures which is slowly becoming more and more apparent that it had become worrying not just for the people that i care but also to myself. Of course, i have much more important things to think and plan about but alas to defeat thyself to such thinking is just personal blasphemy at its best.

Waking up to a horrible dream i can barely remember, the only thing that was left were tears for reasons known and unknown. 

"Don't trouble yourself over small things. Don't let it get to you," he said after approaching with a hug. I wasn't sure of what to feel or how to respond. So i talked. And talked. And talked. Despite feeling shameful over things here and there but knowing that someone understands or knows somehow puts a part of the heart at ease with gratitude. Words that comes out of your mouth that sounds like gibberish but can be explained further as they mean more than just sounds. In between each letter is a silent cry for comfort and release. At this point, feeling weak is inevitable but keeping myself at the lowest is not a good choice to make for a person who is living.

"Despite the huge amount of small measly reasons to be sad, there are more solid reasons to be happy," i looked at him. And talked. And talked. For i understood of how much communication was something that i yearned for from people that i care with hello and goodbye that will seem to suffice somehow. "I know that you're still sad but cheer up okay?" He said.

I kept silent with a nod. Because i know that it is not right to be this way and i deserve to be happier. Especially when i know that i have more reasons to be happy instead of doubting and blaming myself with emotional pain. I want to be a better person although afraid; it'll take time.
He knows, and he comforts. Through the course of actions and timings. But we'll have to open our eyes and see it in order to cherish the things that he has given to us.

A postcard from a good friend arrived today. Although short, i appreciate every single handwritten word and you have no idea how much it's helping me be more rational with myself. Thank you.

Tired.

'Tired' is a word used often over and over again over things that are constantly troubling your mind or a situation that comes up more frequently than not or the wish to forget and curl up into a ball of warm being underneath piles of blankets. I prefer to choose the latter as if it was depicted in a mental image, it would look like this:

But unfortunately, given that it is depicted rather depressingly, it would most likely look like this:

And I have corrected your imagery of me at the current moment; plus minus with a keyboard in my hand since I am blogging it out t. We shall let that slide for now.

The mind often thinks of the most irrelevant relevant things during odd hours; in my case, right during the moments when i do literally feel tired (used in the correct way) and the only thing keeping me awake is either the sudden rapid working hours of the cookie factory/brain or inspirations at batshit hour. Dreams often are vivid when the heart cries silently without tears, scared of any unintentional eavesdropping ears hearing you sob with a clogged nose. Absolutely not charming or even cute, for you are at your lowest. To be reminded that you are a victim of self-blame fired up by the blame of others is a hard task to handle for anyone of that matter as everyone has a sense of self-worth big or small. But the mind proves you wrong and you continue to punch yourself in the gut out of the reason that might be your own self-esteem or even the fact that you stopped maintaining and putting trust in yourself to continue putting up that strong facade to get you through the day. Questioning yourself over and over to the point that you have unlocked the achievement of tiring yourself out all on your own. Cry. Repeat steps over and over. Or maybe not.

Spent the night watching "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" with dearest sir awsmsauce and i'll have to admit that if I were to watch it last year, it would've been my favourite movie of the year but I digress considering it was a great movie to start off the year with especially sharing the moment of watching it with someone dear to you.

There's always a silver lining to everything. I'll have to open my eyes; look through and thorough.

In regards to everything else, close to doomsday but also close to freedom.

2013.

Another year, another beginning. Is that right? Not quite.

And yet another post to recap the events and memories that have made its way into the memorable part of my mind yet again; 2012 was a year filled with here and theres. Mixtures of feelings and people and experiences, it was overloaded, it was tiring but alas, experience is experience which shall be translated into points that most probably highly likely made each one of us stronger (I hope).

2012 started off rather sad having to say goodbye to a very important person in my life. Although there were studies and internship to juggle together, as i kissed his cold forehead for the last time, it filled my heart with determination but at the same time a feeling so small deep inside of my heart for things i couldn't achieve bounded by time. It was alright, i told myself. Everything has its own timing.

Which was true, everything has a timing of its own to come and go; to learn and pick yourself up again and again. For everything big and small, every little bit of it came into account for this year even if tears were shed  sometimes for days and sometimes for weeks. I've met wonderful people, I've strengthened bonds, I've lost the ones i wish i could have kept closer, I've forgotten/forgiven things that needs to be and I've built protective fences for this small heart to move on only open to those who bothered to break through.

Witnessing heartbreaking moments was a solid reason to never give up and appreciate the heartwarming ones. Companionship and trust is something that I've learned to cherish; slowly and delicately for it is something you can never replace. Ever. Learning to accept and love a person despite their flaws, for imperfection is wonderful in the most weirdest ways as though you're putting every single quirk of theirs into a personal chest of affection. If that made sense, really.

Yet again, the mind is set on overdrive with irrelevant relevant sentences building up from the feelings accumulated through the course of this one whole year. It was a good year, all in all, for the things that has happened, the people that i have gotten closer to, the hardships and you know the deal.

Honestly, am struggling with words here due to everything being so jumbled up but to top it all off, i am happy and grateful. And stuck with more work.

And i hope you are too. (minus the work, that would suck.)

Happy New Year, you.

and don't forget to be awesome!

New years resolution includes:

Trying to be less of a social awkward nervous wreck

and everything else that adds up to it.

Oh, and more photo-taking. Yes.