Afraid.

When you already have something, you ask for more. It's a basic human trait to want more and more.

Sitting in the significant other's car yesterday night left me feeling content. Happy. Although we missed the screening to a movie that we wanted to watch and the seats were all booked. In the car, singing songs, appreciating the mutual silence, sneaking glimpses from the corner of my eyes at him. Grateful to be next to someone you love, feeling all sorts of emotions together.

 "A little disappointed. But at least I got to spend more time with you," he said; hand in hand.

I've been depressed thinking about things, putting myself down with negative thoughts despite the positivity outbursts all around. Creating barriers and obstacles of all kinds to render myself obsolete in catching pretty stars and beautiful dreams. You are your own greatest fear.

My own capability to do so is an amazing feat on its own, amazing enough to bring myself to a small position such as a speck of dust. Which is absolutely saddening, if only to replace the negativity with positive energy instead. I question myself why, only to retort. Ridiculous, but am i even being human?

I am close to achieving things, i can take the small steps through the rocks. Refusal is kind of silly, but i still do so. But on what account? To what does it cost?

All in all, these feelings stems from irrational but maybe rational fears accumulated from years and years of bottling up. Maybe it's high time i open it up and laugh at my fears/worries for once. "You know that i'm always here for you," he said and it is true.

So what is stopping me?

Keep doing your best and don't be afraid. Or at least try to be less afraid.

Struggle.

I am absolutely aware that i've not written anything in here for ages. Well, at least since July if i'm not mistaken. But i have to admit that i've missed writing in more ways than one and that not writing or typing anything out has been draining me let alone the lack of drawings. You could as well say that i've been busy trying to keep up with income and at the same time, dealing with future undertakings.

In that sense, i've been in a hole for awhile too. In a way.

In another reality, i have been picking up things that others have left behind.

The sky sometimes shines a beautiful blue, the kind of blue that makes you feel all kinds of wonderful and sometimes it shines a dull gloomy blue, the kind that feels like it's about to rain over everything you've built. Often, it's just a dark blue sky, like the quiet lonely nights you have to yourself.

Though there are times, it's just unidentifiable. Similar to your own feelings, stuck in a selfish denial that you would never want to admit to yourself let alone others.

As i stare at the word document opened up on my monitor, I can't help but to remind of the future and asking myself why am i constantly worrying over it. Scared of the smallest things and terrified of the bigger ones. It's irrational but acceptable mere human fears. Still, to be reminded of it is a nightmare repeating over and over to trample you back to another dark blue sky. Silver linings on clouds so thin, you can barely make it out.

Who do you wish to be and what do you wish to achieve? Will it guarantee you long-term happiness or is it just going to make you regret that you didn't take the leap? For happiness is an ambiguous term that differs from one person to another, a rewarding act of kindness may be a disastrous act of idiocy.

At the end of the day, you would want to tell yourself in the most assuring way, in a soft relieved whisper, "I am happy".

I struggle. I struggle to put everything into a 2 page essay of double spaced sentences. A ticket worth one shot that i've been struggling to put into words when others would've thought of it as a piece of cake. It's funny, really, to stare and reconsider your past actions/achievements only to be critically evaluated by your own self; the only entity that knows everything in your own life. I struggle thinking that i've not done enough, that maybe i should follow the social norm and be one as the other whole. Subjecting myself to crush my own dreams or maybe dispose of all things i've ever held on to.

What do you hold on to? What is your purpose?

Encouraging words presented to others were the ones that i yearned most, feeling smaller than the bigger facade that i built to help others. The facade that i strongly kept to keep those dear to me going while forgetting the main actor that is within. 

I struggle.

I'm a little slow at the moment.

But i'll make it through.

I wonder if at the end of the day, i'll be able to tell myself what i wanted to hear most.

I hope i'll be able to.

Depressed.

I enjoy listening to people and their quirky stories; regardless boring or not.
And having a light meal/drink at cafes.




I've been depressed for far too long.
I should blog again, maybe?


Taking quite a long break taught me a lot about how to cope with other parts of myself. The fact that having to enjoy your own company in your own space and time is something so precious into knowing what kind of a person you are and what kind of goals you wish to achieve in life. Although from time to time, it gets depressing how reality often slaps you in your face but it's alright. Everyone wants different things, different goals.

Trust.

After going through an irregular sequence of living consequences as well as searching/pondering through everything over and over, I suppose i have learned quite a lot. Positives and Negatives.

Trust is something entirely precious that you can bestow upon someone that you truly care for with them caring for you in return. Though sometimes, caring is lesser than love and that love is a much more deeper feeling deep inside that coincides with care. But care can sometimes never coincide with love.
I understood as well that without trust, love and care are simply feelings that you convey without any sort of basis to it. With love comes care and with love and care comes trust. It is something that i am still struggling with but at the same time, it is something that i am learning to appreciate more than just in wording or spoken word.

To trust is difficult but also easily done blindly.
To trust is to carry it with you with sincerity in your heart.
And although there are many obstacles in life that comes in between,
I learned to trust the most important person in my life. A person so strong inside and out, who would smile when things get rough and hold my hand through everything. To speak of soulmates would be accurate but i'll keep the details to myself of this perfect person i am blessed with.

I really do love you, A.

Thinking of continuing living on my own.

Matter.

If it matters, it will hurt.

Still, at the same time, it you mattered, it shouldn't hurt as much.

But at this point, you have no idea if you matter or not.

Because you still ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And ponder.

And laugh to yourself.

If you ever mattered or not.

Apathy.

In a particular continuous chain of events and all things related, i have concluded that some things are just meant to be and some things are to be taken in the face with a lot of 'i dont give a fuck'.
Feeling extremely edged on the verge of apathy, some would say that i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Some would say that i am just finding a reason to be 'edgy'.

Though honestly,
my apathy level has reached a level almost higher than the clouds.
Might take some time to remedy.

Coincidence.

Coincidences are something that i'd rather see as hidden blessings. Big or small, you should always be thankful for every single thing that comes your way.

In this case, today was another coincidence that made me smile to myself thinking that i was alone in this place. As usual, i get proved wrong in the most subtle way with these coincidences. Although it was only momentary happiness; brief and warms up your heart in a way, it makes you sort of think to yourself the people in your life that actually cares enough for you to always keep them in your heart.

Put them in a safe place; a pocket filled with hopes and positive feelings.

I am grateful to actually have a chance to be proven wrong this way during times when i am at my lowest.

Sometimes you feel that solitude is your only friend and to confront as well as to embody that feeling is best rather than to deny. And sometimes, you get sick and tired of denying because no matter how much you assure yourself, you're setting yourself up to be oblivious to those painful things around you.

However, without pain, how can one identify with joy?

As i held my dearest company in my hands, a book by John Green, the only thing i could do at that moment was to enjoy what i feared most. It's painful in a way, but to think of knowledge and words as company makes it less of a pain as if you are enjoying someone who tells you stories in a silent way.

I'd like to see it as a positive thing no matter how much it hurts deep inside to feel like a sore thumb among people that you care about. In the end, the one who's running after your own happiness is yourself, not bounded to people or things.

Selfish or selfless, i wish i was stronger.

When you set your feelings bounded upon people or things, it hurts even more.

Still, without pain, how can you feel joy in the first place?

In regards to coincidence, it is indeed a blessing.

Alhamdulillah.

Thank you for the teh ais, btw.

Miss.

Dear you,

I miss you.

Selfish.

In a particular change of mood, i actually have no desire to say anything or type anything out for any matter.

Although for some reason, i would like to state that i have just finished reading John Green's "The Fault In Our Stars" and for that matter, i am heartbroken; further. With fingers on the keyboard, i am a mixture of a mess with my own feelings and feelings acquired from such a book with memorable quotes as well as characters that i've grown attached to.

Still, i have been mellow these past few days. Somewhat melancholic but almost belonging to those of the undead simply vessels to move from places to places. Discontent from many things around but also a personal satisfaction to prove that i am happy with the things that i have; i still refuse to smile. I guess it's true to say that i have grown bitter through experiences in comparison to the sweeter side of me that i used to embody previously when life was dealt with a fickle mind and heartbreaks are not so often nor painful.

In a particular note, i am reminded of those days when i rested my head on the hospital beds watching the tubes run through. The smell of antibiotics flooded my system while i strived to properly breathe although the antibiotics were calming in a solitary kind of way if that was ever a good choice of words to describe anything. Light-headed, my stomach turns inside out.

But i'll say that i learnt a lot for the past few days. I may have become more stuck in my thoughts more often than not and most probably lesser with words or feelings for i've been feeling numb with everything around. The heart is a fragile part of the human body that needs to be cared for. Though i could as well be sabotaging my own happiness thinking that i deserve none of it at all. I beg to differ for you seem nice but your actions are proving otherwise, dearest person.

What is life without pain and what is pain without suffering?

For some reason i would like to say that i extremely dislike myself for everything compacted into this person called myself and the immature ways that i emulate but at the same time, i sort of do like the smaller person inside. Love-hate relationships are always something to ponder about especially with yourself and those you care about.

Vaguely i speak and write about feelings and experiences here and there without making much sense but what sense would it make to you even if you tried to decipher unless you really cared? And we inflict scars more than happiness sometimes onto the people we care about because we're selfish.

I am selfish.

And right now, if only you knew.

Sacrifice.

At the end of the day, i thought to myself of how much each of us have sacrificed for the people we care about and how much it hurts even though you are willing to do so for other people's happiness. Although stupid, you can only smile and assure your own self that it is for the best rather than to force it upon those who wishes to not accept.

It's a hard task and you realize of how things could've worked in a different way or flow but a gut instinct tells you that maybe this is the way to go for now.

Pain is inevitable, feeling hurt is a process and soul searching is actually depressing with a definite ending of actually being happy. But to say that you are not yourself to begin with is a rather paradoxical way of viewing things when the journey is to better yourself rather than finding a new you.

In regards to sacrifice,

What's done is done.

For you.

Broke.

Clean.

"How are you?" is a good question to begin after an awkward moment of silence.

I have been good, is something you should reply with. Which can be taken in a positive or a negative light depending whether or not you see it as a phrase to be taken at face value. But in this case, i would like to believe that i have been good.

A few things left me feeling quite angry with myself and also other people. In this case, anger is never a good thing in a majority of situations. Although regret may as well be a feeling that stirs up in your heart from time to time, you should never dwell on it. So i took it into account to better myself.

Cleaning up old things from your room leaves you in a state of nostalgia. I cleaned up my clothes which have been building up since high school up until now. How horrible my taste in clothes were back then and i suppose it is still as horrible until now as i took each piece one by one for self-evaluation before putting it into the bin for charity. They were decent, to be honest, but they would have most probably looked prettier on someone else other than myself.

Still, you stop for awhile to notice the changes you've gone through and remembering the peer pressure of just wanting to be socially accepted in dressing terms. It's just hilarious.

I've done mistakes over stupid things and over my own consequences. Most probably from not being honest to myself or unable to sticking true to myself. A feeling of wanting to please rather than to accept and work things out to become... a better person for myself and the people i care for. As cliche' as it sounds, but you get the whole deal, right?

So i took some things into account and i hope that everything will go in my favour in a positive light.

After all, i am a pessimistic optimist.

I should know better.

So i should make things better.

Personal.

After quite some time of not blogging and more of putting words into sentences in my brain,
I believe i have turned bitter. Much more bitter. Over things big and small.

However,
I have come upon a certain degree of apathy as well as respect for a selective of things around me. For all i care. If there was a small hint of care, in which i suppose there is. Still, i would like to say that maybe, just maybe, things will turn out the way it should be.
I would like to be sweeter on the terms of being bittersweet.



Oh, oh, oh, you cry.

Break.

I guess i need to break myself apart more.

Wreck.

A week left until the big day comes. A week left to prepare everything.
In which i would like to say is not exactly doomsday but still something big altogether for myself and the rest who are relevant to this. You get the drift.

Anywho,
Particularly feeling extremely sleepy thanks to the weather and a night of watching my dearest play his heart out of minecraft yesterday (because it has become a new addiction lately what with our own respective tower of despair and tower of eden complete with self-made receptionists). Which i didn't mind, I talked more than i should again and i listened more than i should. I suppose it's a good thing minus the sleepy feeling and migraines i had throughout the week. Horrible but bearable.

Pain is just a way of telling you that you're alive. And also a signal for you to do something about it.

But instead, i talked and talked and talked. Feelings are a mixture again but i can't say that i was depressed again. Far from that. I was restless. But deep inside, although slowly, i'm regaining control again despite what is stored at the back of my mind. Honesty is truly a virtue and honesty is what matters. To myself and others, regardless of how much it hurts. Talking about various topics; personal or not. To know more about you is almost as important as knowing more about myself.
Thinking about freedom often causes a sort of fear to instill in my stomach. Butterflies. Butterflies and tigers. Of so many possibilities yet a step has not yet been taken although there are many doors open. "Kick ass before you get ass kicked," is a self-provoking sentence i told myself when i had to put up that stronger facade. I could care less but i could care more.

List it all out, dear. You know what is right and what is wrong. What matters and what doesn't.

"Those things i'm heartbroken about. They've passed. They've happened. Now it's just time to move on," I said. Repeated in my mind. Words that haunt but words that makes you stronger. Without experience, without any of you i wouldn't be this person typing out jumbled feelings for you to read regardless of intent. The term socially awkward and nervous wreck is often used to describe myself to the point that it has become a somewhat of an entity on its own. Then again, i could've been wrong this whole time. The fact that i've been this nervous wreck was a trait of my own.

If i paired it with strength, positivity, kindness and determination,
I could be
Someone you'd never forget.
In a good way, of course.



Oh hey, i see a smile.

Postcard.

For the past few days i have been occupying myself with part-time unintentional overthinking procedures which is slowly becoming more and more apparent that it had become worrying not just for the people that i care but also to myself. Of course, i have much more important things to think and plan about but alas to defeat thyself to such thinking is just personal blasphemy at its best.

Waking up to a horrible dream i can barely remember, the only thing that was left were tears for reasons known and unknown. 

"Don't trouble yourself over small things. Don't let it get to you," he said after approaching with a hug. I wasn't sure of what to feel or how to respond. So i talked. And talked. And talked. Despite feeling shameful over things here and there but knowing that someone understands or knows somehow puts a part of the heart at ease with gratitude. Words that comes out of your mouth that sounds like gibberish but can be explained further as they mean more than just sounds. In between each letter is a silent cry for comfort and release. At this point, feeling weak is inevitable but keeping myself at the lowest is not a good choice to make for a person who is living.

"Despite the huge amount of small measly reasons to be sad, there are more solid reasons to be happy," i looked at him. And talked. And talked. For i understood of how much communication was something that i yearned for from people that i care with hello and goodbye that will seem to suffice somehow. "I know that you're still sad but cheer up okay?" He said.

I kept silent with a nod. Because i know that it is not right to be this way and i deserve to be happier. Especially when i know that i have more reasons to be happy instead of doubting and blaming myself with emotional pain. I want to be a better person although afraid; it'll take time.
He knows, and he comforts. Through the course of actions and timings. But we'll have to open our eyes and see it in order to cherish the things that he has given to us.

A postcard from a good friend arrived today. Although short, i appreciate every single handwritten word and you have no idea how much it's helping me be more rational with myself. Thank you.

Tired.

'Tired' is a word used often over and over again over things that are constantly troubling your mind or a situation that comes up more frequently than not or the wish to forget and curl up into a ball of warm being underneath piles of blankets. I prefer to choose the latter as if it was depicted in a mental image, it would look like this:

But unfortunately, given that it is depicted rather depressingly, it would most likely look like this:

And I have corrected your imagery of me at the current moment; plus minus with a keyboard in my hand since I am blogging it out t. We shall let that slide for now.

The mind often thinks of the most irrelevant relevant things during odd hours; in my case, right during the moments when i do literally feel tired (used in the correct way) and the only thing keeping me awake is either the sudden rapid working hours of the cookie factory/brain or inspirations at batshit hour. Dreams often are vivid when the heart cries silently without tears, scared of any unintentional eavesdropping ears hearing you sob with a clogged nose. Absolutely not charming or even cute, for you are at your lowest. To be reminded that you are a victim of self-blame fired up by the blame of others is a hard task to handle for anyone of that matter as everyone has a sense of self-worth big or small. But the mind proves you wrong and you continue to punch yourself in the gut out of the reason that might be your own self-esteem or even the fact that you stopped maintaining and putting trust in yourself to continue putting up that strong facade to get you through the day. Questioning yourself over and over to the point that you have unlocked the achievement of tiring yourself out all on your own. Cry. Repeat steps over and over. Or maybe not.

Spent the night watching "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" with dearest sir awsmsauce and i'll have to admit that if I were to watch it last year, it would've been my favourite movie of the year but I digress considering it was a great movie to start off the year with especially sharing the moment of watching it with someone dear to you.

There's always a silver lining to everything. I'll have to open my eyes; look through and thorough.

In regards to everything else, close to doomsday but also close to freedom.