Struggle.

I am absolutely aware that i've not written anything in here for ages. Well, at least since July if i'm not mistaken. But i have to admit that i've missed writing in more ways than one and that not writing or typing anything out has been draining me let alone the lack of drawings. You could as well say that i've been busy trying to keep up with income and at the same time, dealing with future undertakings.

In that sense, i've been in a hole for awhile too. In a way.

In another reality, i have been picking up things that others have left behind.

The sky sometimes shines a beautiful blue, the kind of blue that makes you feel all kinds of wonderful and sometimes it shines a dull gloomy blue, the kind that feels like it's about to rain over everything you've built. Often, it's just a dark blue sky, like the quiet lonely nights you have to yourself.

Though there are times, it's just unidentifiable. Similar to your own feelings, stuck in a selfish denial that you would never want to admit to yourself let alone others.

As i stare at the word document opened up on my monitor, I can't help but to remind of the future and asking myself why am i constantly worrying over it. Scared of the smallest things and terrified of the bigger ones. It's irrational but acceptable mere human fears. Still, to be reminded of it is a nightmare repeating over and over to trample you back to another dark blue sky. Silver linings on clouds so thin, you can barely make it out.

Who do you wish to be and what do you wish to achieve? Will it guarantee you long-term happiness or is it just going to make you regret that you didn't take the leap? For happiness is an ambiguous term that differs from one person to another, a rewarding act of kindness may be a disastrous act of idiocy.

At the end of the day, you would want to tell yourself in the most assuring way, in a soft relieved whisper, "I am happy".

I struggle. I struggle to put everything into a 2 page essay of double spaced sentences. A ticket worth one shot that i've been struggling to put into words when others would've thought of it as a piece of cake. It's funny, really, to stare and reconsider your past actions/achievements only to be critically evaluated by your own self; the only entity that knows everything in your own life. I struggle thinking that i've not done enough, that maybe i should follow the social norm and be one as the other whole. Subjecting myself to crush my own dreams or maybe dispose of all things i've ever held on to.

What do you hold on to? What is your purpose?

Encouraging words presented to others were the ones that i yearned most, feeling smaller than the bigger facade that i built to help others. The facade that i strongly kept to keep those dear to me going while forgetting the main actor that is within. 

I struggle.

I'm a little slow at the moment.

But i'll make it through.

I wonder if at the end of the day, i'll be able to tell myself what i wanted to hear most.

I hope i'll be able to.