Selfish.

In a particular change of mood, i actually have no desire to say anything or type anything out for any matter.

Although for some reason, i would like to state that i have just finished reading John Green's "The Fault In Our Stars" and for that matter, i am heartbroken; further. With fingers on the keyboard, i am a mixture of a mess with my own feelings and feelings acquired from such a book with memorable quotes as well as characters that i've grown attached to.

Still, i have been mellow these past few days. Somewhat melancholic but almost belonging to those of the undead simply vessels to move from places to places. Discontent from many things around but also a personal satisfaction to prove that i am happy with the things that i have; i still refuse to smile. I guess it's true to say that i have grown bitter through experiences in comparison to the sweeter side of me that i used to embody previously when life was dealt with a fickle mind and heartbreaks are not so often nor painful.

In a particular note, i am reminded of those days when i rested my head on the hospital beds watching the tubes run through. The smell of antibiotics flooded my system while i strived to properly breathe although the antibiotics were calming in a solitary kind of way if that was ever a good choice of words to describe anything. Light-headed, my stomach turns inside out.

But i'll say that i learnt a lot for the past few days. I may have become more stuck in my thoughts more often than not and most probably lesser with words or feelings for i've been feeling numb with everything around. The heart is a fragile part of the human body that needs to be cared for. Though i could as well be sabotaging my own happiness thinking that i deserve none of it at all. I beg to differ for you seem nice but your actions are proving otherwise, dearest person.

What is life without pain and what is pain without suffering?

For some reason i would like to say that i extremely dislike myself for everything compacted into this person called myself and the immature ways that i emulate but at the same time, i sort of do like the smaller person inside. Love-hate relationships are always something to ponder about especially with yourself and those you care about.

Vaguely i speak and write about feelings and experiences here and there without making much sense but what sense would it make to you even if you tried to decipher unless you really cared? And we inflict scars more than happiness sometimes onto the people we care about because we're selfish.

I am selfish.

And right now, if only you knew.